In my work with corporate management teams, I’ve found that instituting a “no festering” rule can be a useful antidote to ward off false assumptions. When we have a problem with someone and we don’t talk to them about it honestly and respectfully, our fears and resentments often fill the silence with false assumptions that can make situations much worse than they really are.

I created this rule when I was CEO of Brush Dance. My chief operating officer, Janice, was a strong and competent woman, and though I valued her opinion, I did not always agree with it. Increasingly, though, she seemed to be uncomfortable around me. I often noticed her grimacing and sighing in my presence or just looking depleted. When we worked closely together, I noticed myself sometimes “walking on eggshells” around her. I did this when I perceived that she was feeling stress and seemed unhappy. I assumed I must have done something that displeased her. My tendency was to avoid conflict and difficult conversations, and with her I tried to accentuate the positive even when that did not make good business sense and difficult issues had to be addressed.

Eventually, I realized we needed to fix this problem, for the health of the business and for our relationship. I obviously needed to be able to speak freely and openly with my COO. When I talked with Janice about what I was noticing and feeling, she was surprised at my assumptions. She told me that her stress and anxiety was a result of difficulties she was having at home, with her husband and teenage daughter. While I was relieved that I wasn’t the cause of her stress, I was embarrassed that my false assumptions had made things worse. Because of my behavior, Janice said she sometimes saw me as cold and avoiding her. She interpreted this to mean that I was not happy with her performance, and as a result she felt unappreciated for her work. Ah, more false assumptions.

This one conversation cleared the air, and we felt and functioned much better afterward as a result. By then, we had both spent so much energy worrying about the situation, that everything we did together had come to seem effortful and exhausting. This was a great example of doing more and accomplishing less!

After this, we agreed on a “no festering” rule: If either of us were making what could possibly (or at least probably) be assumptions about the other person, we would express these ideas and feelings immediately and have an open, respectful dialogue. This agreement worked well, our relationship improved, and our operating team functioned much more effectively.

This practice isn’t just useful in the office; it can be effective at home or anywhere two humans are in relationship.
Here is a three-step approach to speaking up and identifying assumptions:
1) Identify an issue or a problem that you have with another person that you have not directly addressed with them and that is influencing your relationship. Often, we make assumptions about another person’s motivations. However, while we can observe and have opinions about someone’s actions or behavior, we cannot completely know a person’s motivations unless they tell us.

2) Initiate a conversation with that person, stating what you observe and how you feel. It’s very important to be patient, calm, and respectful, rather than angry or judgmental. In this situation, seek merely to understand the situation better, not to necessarily resolve it in the way you’d like. Be particularly considerate if the subject matter is a tough one to approach. Ask if the person is willing to share their motivations, and if they have any questions or feelings about your behavior or motivations. Are your assumptions about their motivations and behavior correct? Did you learn anything that changed your thinking and understanding, and could lead to new behavior?

3) Depending on how the conversation went, agree on a “no festering” rule for the future. Make a pact to speak directly whenever issues and conflicts come up. For yourself, at least, you can always live by following a no festering rule. It’s amazing how much mental busyness you’ll avoid.